It Hit Me at the Buffet

 

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Once you know the truth, you can’t unknow it. And tonight, I saw it.


I learned something about myself tonight. Not in a cute, quirky, “fun fact” kind of way—but in a gut-punching, soul-checking, sit-in-the-car-staring-at-the-steering-wheel kind of way.


Aiden had a friend over, and that friend brought Chinese food into the house. The second I saw it, I knew I’d be having Chinese food for dinner. No debate. No negotiation. Just… yep, that’s what we’re doing.


And that was the moment I realized: I’m not in control of this.

Not the way I thought I was.


And you need to understand something about me—

Admitting I’m not in control of something? That’s hard for me. Really hard.

Because somewhere along the way, I decided that control equaled strength, and that losing control—over myself, over my choices, over anything in my life—was a flaw. A weakness. Something to be ashamed of.


So I’ve spent years convincing myself I was in control.

That I had it handled.

That I could stop or change whenever I really needed to.


But tonight shattered that illusion.


I’ve always prided myself on not becoming addicted to drugs the way so many of my friends and family did. I’ve had my struggles with alcohol—it’s binge drinking for me, not the every-day-have-to-have-it kind. But when I drink, I don’t stop. So I stay away. I’ve always believed that meant I had a grip on my tendencies. That I could keep myself from spiraling. That I was in control.


But tonight made something painfully clear:

I am addicted.

To food.

To sugar.

To that little hit of dopamine that comes when I see the food, smell the food, taste the food—even when I know it’s going to make me feel like crap later.


That’s how I got to over 300 pounds. That’s why I yo-yo between 270 and 291 now. That’s why I’m once again on weight loss medication. That’s why I have to follow a low-carb diet. That’s why my body doesn’t absorb vitamins properly. I am, quite literally, hurting myself with food.


And I’ve said I was a food addict before.

But they were just words.

Tonight, I understood those words and what they really mean.


We went to Ichiban—the Chinese buffet. I filled my plate, and halfway through it, the weight loss shot I take kicked in. I was full. I felt it. My body told me.


And I finished the plate anyway.


Then the symptoms hit—blood pressure up, lightheaded, dizzy.

I stopped. I waited ten minutes. And then I told myself, “Well, it’s $15.50 a plate. You need to at least get dessert.”


That voice? That justification?

That’s addiction talking.


I knew what I was doing.

And I did it anyway.


And then, walking out, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had just done. I felt full—too full. And still I pushed. And now I sit here feeling frustrated, ashamed, angry at myself, disappointed, and exhausted.


Because the truth is, I know what to do.


I know that my body feels its best when I’m eating lean meats, veggies, fruits, salads. I know bread, fried food, sugar, gravy, cookies, cakes, and snacks leave me sluggish and sick. I know what makes me feel strong and what makes me feel weak.


So why can’t I do what I know to do?

Why can’t I do it consistently?


That’s what I’m sitting with right now.

No answers yet. Just honesty. Just a mirror I couldn’t look away from tonight.


This isn’t a “woe is me” post.

This is a “wake up and look at it” post.

Because I need to.


Maybe someone else out there does too.


#FoodAddictionIsReal #BingeEatingAwareness #WeightLossJourney #HonestMoments #BodyTruth #LivingWithAddiction #SelfAwareness #HealingStartsHere

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